It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Morning my dudes.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.