MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Most fashion shows these days…
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”