[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.