Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
You Might Also Like
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*