How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
You Might Also Like
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
OKAY DAD
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators