When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.