Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Sheep
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.