I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
This is always good for a laugh.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in