Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
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*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
What an awful time to have common sense.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Pigeon open mic night.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
back to work
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat