I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
im 7 sauces long
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.