Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one