It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
For anyone who needs this today
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks