4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
You Might Also Like
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.