I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.