Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life