I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.