“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
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Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The best plant holders?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.