A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
You Might Also Like
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics