Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
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This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.