[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself