When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.