Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Broom by every window for quick escape.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
(Jupiter –
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?