Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.