Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?