It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
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“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.