I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.