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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
need him
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh