Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
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[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
What a year we’ve had this week.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.