Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*