[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
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Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk