nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
fired
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
#SaturdayBears
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*