doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
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No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me