After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!