I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
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*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.