waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.