It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
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You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.