“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Yes, this is exactly right
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.