[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?