To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95