Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed