optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
okay run it by me one more time
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Stick it to the man
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.