Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?