Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner