“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
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“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.