At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
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[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
This made me chuckle cuz mood
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.