sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials