*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
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Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Wait a minute
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.