detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
new year update: losing everything but weight
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I found your tweet-up…
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.