Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
wish me luck lads
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
You can’t rush stupid.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.