i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*